Easter jokes and riddles

ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM THE EASTER BUNNY

• Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket.

• Walk softly and carry a big carrot.

• Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.

• There’s no such thing as too much candy.

• All work and no play can make you a basket case.

• A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.

• Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.

• Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.

• Some body parts should be floppy.

• Keep your paws off other people’s jellybeans.

• Good things come in small sugarcoated packages.

• The grass is always greener in someone else’s basket.

• An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.

• To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell.

• The best things in life are still sweet and gooey!

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Q. What did the kangaroo say on Easter morning? A. Hoppy Easter!

Q. What kind of beans never grow in a garden? A. Jelly beans!

Q. How does Easter end? A. With the letter r!

Q. How do rabbits say good-bye to carrots? A. It’s been nice gnawing you!

Q. How do you know carrots are good for the eyes? A. Have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses?

Q. What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rabbit? A. An elephant that never forgets to eat his carrots!

Q. Why can’t a rabbit’s nose be 12 inches long? A. Because then it would be a foot!

Q. What do rabbits get when it rains? A. Wet!

Q. How does the Easter bunny stay in shape? A. Lots of eggs-ercise!

Q. What do you call bunnies that march in long, sweltering Easter parades? A. Hot cross bunnies!

Q. How did the Easter bunny rate the Easter parade? A. He said it was egg-cellent!

Q. What did the Easter chick say when it hatched out of the shell? A. What an egg-sperience!

Q. What side of a rabbit has the most fur? A. The outside!

Q. What do you call a rabbit with fleas? A. Bugs Bunny! Knock knock Who’s there? Esther. Esther who? Esther Bunny! Knock, knock! Who’s there? Candy. Candy who? Candy Easter Bunny carry all dose treats in one basket?

Q. How does the Easter bunny travel? A. By hareplane!

Q. What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? A. They lived hoppily ever after!

Christmas humor

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My Christmas cards to you!

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Santa’s jigsaw puzzle:

http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=ER13610552

 

The 12 days of Christmas:

http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=1017129949136

 

My Christmas cards to you:

http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=4265884112

 

http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=4267855318

 

Santa sings white Christmas (this one is my favorite):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ooc5eJc5SHA

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Christmas Jokes

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Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

 

A tour guide named Rudolph was giving a lady a tour of Moscow, when the weather turned foul. “Is this rain or sleet?,” the lady asked. “Definitely rain.” said the tour guide. “How do you know?” asked the lady. “Rudolph the Red knows rain dear.”

 

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the front desk manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?”, they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

 

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his hometown for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, “I’ll just have the eggs benedict..”

His order comes a while later, and it’s served on a big, shiny hubcap.

He asks the waiter, “What’s with the hubcap?”

The waiter sings, “There’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!”

 

Christmas Poetry updated

 

The way it’s told in Afghanistan:

‘Twas The Night Before Ramadan Twas the night before Ramadan As Osama, the louse Was plotting with Omar; His soon-to-be spouse. The Taliban were nestled, All snug in their caves And they dreamt of young virgins Who would soon be their slaves. Out in the desert, There arose such a clatter They crept from their caves To see what was the matter. Not far in the distance There came a strange sound. Lo and behold; They saw a mushroom-shaped cloud. Before Osama evaporated He knew it was true: His ass had been kicked By the Red, White, and Blue

 

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EIGHT DAYS AFTER CHRISTMAS… and after my true love and I had a fight

 

The first day after Christmas, my true love and I had a fight, So I chopped the pear tree down and burned it just for spite. Then, with a single cartridge, I shot that blasted partridge My true love gave to me. The second day after Christmas, I pulled on old rubber gloves And very gently wrung the necks of both those turtle doves My true love gave to me. The third day after Christmas, my mother caught the croup … I had to use the three French hens to make some chicken soup. The four calling birds were a big mistake for their language was obscene. The five gold rings were completely fake and turned my fingers green. The sixth day after Christmas, the laying geese wouldn’t lay, So I gave the whole darn gaggle to the ASPCA. On the seventh day what a mess I found … All seven of the swimming swans had drowned. The eighth day after Christmas, before they could suspect, I bundled up the eight maids-a-milking, nine pipers playing, Ten ladies dancing, eleven lords a-leaping, twelve dummers drumming, And sent them back … COLLECT. I wrote my true love, “We are through, love,” and I said in so many words, “Furthermore, your Christmas gifts were strictly for the birds!”.

 

DYSFUNCTIONAL CHRISTMAS SONGS

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you hear what I hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Queens Disoriented Are DEMENTIA: I Think I’ll be Home for Christmas NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Offices and Towns and Cars and Trucks, and Trees…….. PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll Tell You Why DEPRESSION: Silent Anedonia, Holy Anedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock (start over at the beginning……) PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY On The First Day of Christmas, My True Love Sent to Me, a Partridge in a Pear Tree, and Then He Took it Back BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of You Roasting on an Open Fire

 

 

IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?

 

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. There are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

 

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total – 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.

 

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents  under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

 

This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4  miles per second. A conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

 

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that “flying reindeer” (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload – not even counting the weight of the sleigh – to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison – this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

 

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance – this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per second, each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces

17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

 

In conclusion –

 

If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.

 

 

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Christmas Riddles:

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Q: Why did Santa want garden tools for Christmas?

A: So he could hoe, hoe, hoe all year long.

 

Q: What’s a holiday for toothpaste?

A: “Crest” mas!

 

Q: What language does Santa speak?

A: North Polish!

 

Q: What is the Christmas message in these letters:

ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ?

A: No “L.”

 

Q: Why is Santa Claus always so jolly around Christmas time?

A: Because he knows which girls have been naughty and which have been nice.

 

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Favorite Christmas Carols

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Q: What is Richard Nixon’s favorite Christmas carol?

A: “It came upon a midnight perfectly clear.”

 

Q: What is the favorite Christmas carol of those who have delusions of grandeur?

A: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me.

 

Q: What is the maniac’s favorite Christmas carol?

A: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and…

 

Q: What is the favorite Christmas carol of people who are paranoid?

A: Santa Claus is coming to get me.

 

Q: What is the favorite Christmas carol of persons suffering from infantile personality disorders?

A: You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll Tell You Why.

 

Q: What is the sociopath’s favorite Christmas carol?

A: Thoughts of Roasting You on an Open Fire…

 

Q: What is the favorite Christmas carol of people suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorders?

A: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock…………

 

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QUIZ: CHRISTMAS CAROLS RE-WORDED

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For example: “We three kings of orient are.”

Could be worded:

“A triad of reigning monarchs exist in the Far East.”

 

We’ll provide the lesser-known version.

You provide the well-known version.

Some titles may be repeated

 

Answers at the end J

 

 

1. Nearly colorless Yuletide.
2. Castanea seed vesicated in a conflagration.
3. My singular yearning is for twin anterior incisors.
4. Righteous darkness.
5. Arrival time: 24:00 hours, weather conditions: cloudless.
6. Loyal followers advance.
7. Far off in a stable.
8. Array the corridors.
9. Lilliputian male percussionist.
10. Our monarchical triad.
11. Nocturnal noiselessness.
12. Jehovah deactivate jovial Chevaliers.
13. A red man is en route to the city.
14. Allow frozen precipitation to commence.
15. Proceed and verbalize on the tall hill.
16. Antlered quadruped valentino namesake with the vermilion proboscis.
17. Query, regarding the identity of that juvenile.
18. Delight for this planet.
19. Give attention to the melodious celestial beings.
20. A Yuletide extending for a dozen 24 hour intervals.
21. Jocund elderly canonized individual lacking five cent pieces.
22. Expect my arrival at my domicile for Yuletide.
23. Vibrate those cup-shaped metal instruments.
24. Perambulating in a terrain of stupefaction from 12/21 to 3/19.
25. Oh diminutive hamlet of Israel south of Jerusalem.
26. Hallucinating about an ivory Yuletide in the first person narrative.
27. Metallic element AG cup-shaped musical instruments.
28. Oh Yuletide tall woody plant.
29. I witnessed a maternal parent osculating a bewhiskered male in a red ensemble.
30. Female ancestor experienced collision with rangifer tarandus.
31. Boreal ice crystal homo sapien.
32. To this place advances the personification of the spirit of Christmas.
33. The primary Yuletide.
34. Who ís the mystery kid?
35. The event occurred at one minute after 11:59 p.m. with visibility unlimited.
36. Ornament the enclosure with large sprigs of berry-bearing evergreen.
37. The diminutive male of less than adult age who plays a percussion instrument.
38. My anticipation of mementos this noelís: nil.
39. I viewed my maternal parent’s affection for Kris Kringle.
40. Listen, heavenly cherubs are announcing in song.
41. Are you detecting the same aural sensations as I am?
42. Universal elation.
43. O miniature Nazarene village.
44. The approach of the holiday commemorating the birth of Christ is becoming evident.
45. May Jehovah grant unto you hilarious males retirement.
46. Those of you who are true, come here.

 

Answers below, but don’t cheat!

 

Answers:

1. White Christmas.
2. Chestnuts roasting of an open fire.
3. All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth.
4. Holy night.
5. It came upon a midnight clear.
6. Oh come all ye faithful.
7. Away in a manger.
8. Deck the halls.
9. Little drummer boy.
10. We three kings.
11. Silent night.
12. God rest ye merry gentleman.
13. Santa Claus is coming to town.
14. Let it snow.
15. Go tell it on the mountain.
16. Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer.
17. What child is this?
18. Joy to the world.
19. Hark the herald angels sing.
20. 12 days of Christmas.
21. Jolly old Saint Nicholas.
22. I’ll be home for Christmas.
23. Jingle bells.
24. Walking in a winter wonderland.
25. Oh little town of Bethlehem.
26. I’m dreaming of a white Christmas.
27. Silver bells.
28. Oh Christmas tree.
29. I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus.
30. Grandma got run over by a reindeer.
31. Frosty the snowman.
32. Here comes Santa Claus.
33. The first noel.
34. What child is this?
35. It came upon the midnight clear.
36. Deck the halls with boughs of holly.
37. Little drummer boy.
38. I’m getting nothin’ for Christmas.
39. I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus.
40. Hark the herald angels sing.
41. Do you hear what I hear?
42. Joy to the world.
43. O little town of Bethlehem.
44. It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.
45. God rest ye merry gentlemen.
46. O come all ye faithful.

 

 

Seasons delights.

Here are some ideas for the Holidays that are based on my own experiences that I think you will enjoy:

 

My favorite places to dine out:

• Osteen’s Seafood Restaurant in Augustine – cross over the Bridge of Lions, then go about a half mile further, it’s on the right side of the road. Order the fried shrimp!!  It’s the best fried shrimp on the planet earth!  The sides are especially good, too.  Expect long waits at peak periods at this popular, but small local gem.  Please note that they are closed on Sundays and Mondays and the first week of December and that they accept cash only.  Bonus: If going in the evening in December the downtown area will be lit up bright with Christmas lights.
• Enza’s Italian Restaurant in the Mandarin Landing Shopping Center. Order the Chicken Francece!
• Be adventurous and try Thai and/or Indian cuisine. We like Lemongrass on Southside Blvd at Baymeadows Rd the red chicken curry) and the Indian Cuisine Restaurant on Baymeadows Rd near Southside Blvd. (order the chicken korma).

 

If you have the time and funds to go to Epcot during the holidays, they put on a fabulous outdoor Christmas musical show in front of the American Adventure Pavilion, in the back of the park.  Holywood Studios (formerly  MGM Studios) puts on a lighted street scene that is spectacular.

 

During the Christmas season they light up the historical area of St. Augustine with Christmas lights.  It’s a lovely sight to see if you have never done so, especially the area around the Plaza de la Constitution (central park area).

 

If you agree with me that 90% of TV is junk for idiots, get a TIVO for Christmas.  It costs about $100 at Circuit City or Best Buy, plus $7 per month for the programming.  It will make it much easier than a VCR to pick and choose just what you want and to skip through the commercials.  I never watch anything on TV except programs prerecorded on my TIVO.  You won’t either after you have gotten a TIVO.

 

If you are looking for the perfect inexpensive gift for that hard-to-buy-for person who already has everything… you can’t go wrong with a copy of my book, Jokes, Riddles and Wisdom, the Best Collection Ever.  Imagine how impressed your gift recipient will be when you tell him or her that you have met the author live and in person.  Go to www.bn.com or www.amazon.com and stock up on a supply for Christmas giving.   Everything in the book is in good taste, so it is suitable for people of any age.  The wisdom section of the book provides personal advice from me on a number of thing, such as how to be successful – I was able to retire at age 50- the book tells how I did it.  Ok, Ok, so it’s too late to have it shipped to you in time for Christmas.  Either pick up a copy from me (no sales tax or shipping costs), or deliver it after Christmas—better late than never.  For more details and to order the book, go to: www.humorandwisdom.com.

 

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Saint Patrick’s Day Riddles

What is out on the lawn all summer and is Irish? Paddy O’Furniture

Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?Because they’re always a little short!

What do you call a fake stone in Ireland? A sham rock

Why do frogs like St. Patrick’s Day? Because they’re always wearing green.

When is an Irish Potato not an Irish Potato? When it’s a FRENCH fry!

What does a leprechaun call a large happy man wearing green? A Jolly Green Giant

What is Barney’s favorite thing on St. Patrick’s Day? A Blarney Stone!

What do you get when you cross a green pillowcase with a stone? A sham rock

Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland? He couldn’t afford buy them all airfare.

Why do leprechauns hide behind 4-leafclovers and not 3-leafclovers? They need all the luck they can get.

What happens when a leprechaun falls into a river? He gets wet.

What do you call a diseased Irish criminal? A leper con.

Knock Knock – Who’s there?

Irish!

Irish who?

Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day

HALLOWEEN HUMOR and Some Halloween trivia

It wouldn’t be the Halloween season without some of my famous Halloween humor.  So here is my spook-tacular collection for 2012

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a…….

BUMP…
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BUMP…
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BUMP… behind him.
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Walking faster he looks back, and makes
out the image of an upright coffin banging
its way down the middle of the street towards
him
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BUMP…
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BUMP…
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BUMP…
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Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home,
the coffin bouncing quickly behind him …
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faster…
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faster…
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BUMP…
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BUMP….
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BUMP….
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He runs up to his door, fumbles with his
keys, opens the door, rushes in,  slams and
locks the door behind him.
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However, the coffin crashes through his
door, with the lid of the coffin clapping …
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clappity-BUMP…
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clappity-BUMP…
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clappity-BUMP…
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clappity-BUMP…
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on the heels of the terrified man….
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Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man
locks himself in.  His heart is pounding;
his head is reeling; his breath
is coming in sobbing  gasps.
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With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down
the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.
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The man screams and reaches for something, anything
… but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
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Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at
the coffin…
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… the coffin stops. >>

Q: How does a witch tell time?

A: She looks at her witch watch.

Q: When is it bad luck to see a black cat?

A: When you’re a mouse.

Q: Why did the monster eat the caboose?

A: The locomotive told him to “Choo, choo.”

Q: What’s the best place for a mirror?

A: In a graveyard. It can double your mummy.

Q: What do ghosts eat for breakfast?

A: Ghost toasties with booberries and evaporated milk.

Q: What do ghosts eat for lunch?

A: Halloweenies and Frankenfurters.

Q: Why should you always invite a ghost to a Halloween party?

A: they bring their own boos.

Q: Why shouldn’t you goose a ghost at Halloween?

A: You might get sheet all over you.

Q: Why don’t Jehovah Witnesses like Halloween?

A: They don’t like all those strangers coming up on the porch and ringing their doorbells.

Q: What should you say when you meet a ghost?

A: “How do you boo?, Sir. How do you boo?”

Q: What’s soft, moldy and flies?

A: A spoiled bat.

Q: What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back?

A: “You’re under a vest!”

Q: What happened to the monster that took the five o’clock train home?

A: He had to give it back.

Q: Why did the monster salute his vegetable soup?

A: He looked in his bowl and saw a kernel of corn.

Q: What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?

A: A dead ringer.

Q: What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?

A: I’d like to get to gnaw you.

Q: Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime?

A: “Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares.”

Q:  Why don’t witches like to ride their brooms when they’re angry?

A:  They’re afraid of flying off the handle!

Q:  What do skeletons say before they begin dining?

A:  Bone appetite!

Q:  Where do baby ghosts go during the day?

A:  Day-scare centers.

Q:  Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?

A:  His ghoul friend.

Q:  What monster flies his kite in a rainstorm?

A:  Benjamin Frankenstein.

Q:  What do ghosts serve for dessert?

A:  Ice Scream.

Q:  What’s a monster’s favorite play?

A:  Romeo and Ghouliet.

Q:  What do witches put on their hair?

A:  Scare spray.

Q:  What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?

A:  Bamboo.

Q:  What’s a haunted chicken?

A:  A poultry-geist.

Q:  Why did the monster eat a light bulb?

A:  Because he wanted a light snack.

Q:  Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles?

A:  Have you ever tried to iron a monster?

Q:  What kind of mistakes do spooks make?

A:  Boo boos.

Q:  Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife get to sleep?

A:  Because of his coffin.

Q:  Why do mummies make excellent spies?

A:  They’re good at keeping things under wraps.

Q:  What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine?

A:  A wash and wear wolf.

Q:  What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?

A:  Count Duckula.

Q:  What do you call a person who puts poison in a person’s corn flakes?

A:  A cereal killer.

Q:  Why wasn’t there any food left after the monster party?

A:  Because everyone was a goblin!

Q: What do the birds sing on Halloween?

A: Twick or Tweet.

Q: What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?

A: Tombstones.

Q: Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day?

A: It’s good for the bones.

Q: What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween?

A: White Pillowcases.

Q: Why did the witches’ team lose the baseball game?

A: Their bats flew away.

Q: What was the witch’s favorite subject in school?

A: Spelling.

Q: Why did the mummy call the doctor?

A: Because he was coffin.

Q: What does a vampire fear most?

A: Tooth decay.

Q: Where did the vampire open his savings account?

A: At a blood bank.

Q: Where do mummies go for a swim?

A: To the Dead Sea.

Q: What is Transylvania?

A: Dracula’s terror-tory.

Q: Where does Dracula water ski?

A: On Lake Erie.

Q: What kind of boat pulls Dracula when he water skis?

A: A blood vessel.

Q: What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o-lantern by its circumference?

A: Pumpkin Pi.

Q:  Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

A:  He didn’t have the guts.

Q:  What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost?

A:  Don’t spook until your spooken to.

Q:  What kind of protozoa likes Halloween?

A:  An amoeboo!

Q:  Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?

A:  Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend!

Q:  What happened to the guy who couldn’t keep up payments to his exorcist?

A:  He was repossessed.

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Top Ten Reasons Why Trick Or Treating Is Better Than Sex

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10. You’re guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, you can wait ten minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look; the easier it is to get some.

7. You don’t have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

6. Its okay when the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else, because you ARE someone else.

5. 40 years from now, you’ll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don’t get what you want, you can always go next door.

3. It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning.

1. You can do the whole neighborhood!!

Check out these links for my Halloween greetings to you…  (turn up your speakers):

http://www.link4u.com/mash.htm

http://www.link4u.com/mash2.htm

Some Halloween trivia:  Did you know that November 1^st was declared as “all saints day” in the 7^th century to mark the end of the season of Pentecost (Pentecost is the period starting 50 days after the resurrection when fire rained down on the heads of the apostles in the upper room and they were filled with the holy spirit) –and- to consecrate the Pantheon in Rome as the Church of the Blessed Virgin and All Martyrs?  The eve of all saints day was established as “all hallows day” and the name was later changed to Halloween.

Photos from the South Council Chamber of Commerce mixer of 2-14-2012

Photos from the South Council Chamber of Commerce mixer of 2-14-2012

 

Do you know your holidays – when they are and what they celebrate?

First, before reading the below ask yourself if you know the date of each of the following holidays and what we celebrate them for.  If you correctly know the answer for each one– your knowledge of this subject is beyond incredible: Advent, Epiphany, Easter, Lent, Pentecost, Memorial Day, Labor Day.

Religious holidays-

• Epiphany – is January 6 i.e. the 12th day after Xmas.  It was the day the wise men (Magi) arrived.   Epiphany also means a sudden leap of understanding, as that is what they had when the Magi saw the Christ child.
• Easter – is observed on the Sunday after the first full moon on or after the day of the vernal equinox (the moment in time when the center of the sun is directly above the earth’s equator). It was the day of Christ’s resurrection.
• Lent – is the 40 day (7 week) period starting with Ash Wednesday and ending on the Holy Saturday preceding Easter. It marks that period of time, rather than an event.
• Pentecost – 7th Sunday (50 days) after Easter (in May).  It is 10 days after the annunciation (which was when the Angel Gabriel announced toMarythat she would give birth to the Christ child).  On the day of Pentecost, the disciples were in the upper room and fire rained on their heads and they became filled with the Holy Spirit.
• Advent – the 4-week period immediately preceding Christmas, starts on December 1.  It celebrates a period of time before Christ was born.

 

Non-religious (secular) holidays-

• Memorial Day – last day in May. It is a day of remembrance for those who have died in our nation’s service.
• Labor Day – 1st Monday in September.  It originated inCanadaand denotes the end of the summer. The holiday is often regarded as a day of rest and parades.

 

Legal Holidays inFlorida

 

Take this test.  You will be surprised at the answer.

 

Which of the following are officially legal holidays throughout the State ofFlorida, according to Florida Statutes, chapter 683?  Check off each that applies then scroll down for the correct answer.

 

1. Arbor Day
2. Pan American Day
3. PascuaFloridaDay
4. Grandmother’s Day
5. Patriots’ Day
6. I am an American Day
7. Teacher’s Day
8. Retired Teacher’s Day
9. Children’s Day
10. Save theFloridaPanther Day
11. Juneteenth Day
12. Law Day
13. Missing Children’s Day.
14. Alzheimer’s Disease Day.
15. None of the Above
16. All of the Above.

 

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Answer:

All of the above!

 

If you find this hard to believe, go to the public library and look up theFloridastatutes, chapter 683, or use this web link:

http://www.leg.state.fl.us/Statutes

 

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING BUT AREN’T

 

10. Reach in and grab the giblets.

9. Whew… that’s one terrific spread!

8. I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist.

6. Talk about a huge breast!

5. “And he forces his way into the end zone.”

4. She’s 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down.

3. It’s cool whip time!

2. If I don’t unbuckle my pants, I’m going to burst.

1. It must be broken ’cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out.

 

Thanksgiving Day riddles:

 

Q. When did the Pilgrims first say “God bless America?”
A. The first time they heardAmerica sneeze!

Q. What are unhappy cranberries called?
A. Blueberries!

Q. What’s blue and covered with feathers?
A. A turkey holding its breath!

Q. What’s the key to a good Thanksgiving dinner?
A. The turKEY!

Q. If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
A. Pilgrims!

Q. What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
A. Lots of drumsticks!

Q. What would you call a pet squash?
A. Call it anything you want- it won’t hear you!

Q. What did the farmer say to the green pumpkin?
A. Why orange you orange?

Q. Why did the turkey cross the road?
A. It was the chicken’s day off!

Q. When the Pilgrims landed, where did they stand?
A. On their feet!

Q. Why didn’t the turkey eat dessert?
A. He was stuffed!

Q. What cat discovered America?
A. Christofurry Columbus!

Q. What’s the best thing to put into a pumpkin pie?
A. Your teeth!

Q. Why did they let the turkey join the band?
A. He had the drumsticks!

Q. What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an octopus?
A. Eight feather dusters!

Q. What kind of vegetables would you like for Thanksgiving dinner?
A. Beets me!

Q. What’s round, red, and wears a diaper?
A. A baby cranberry!

Q. What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner?
A. Your nose!

Q. Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk?
A. To hatchet.

Q. Why did the Pilgrim eat a candle?
A. He wanted a light snack!

Q. What kind of music did the Pilgrims listen to?
A. Plymouth Rock!

Q. Why do Turkeysgobble, gobble?
A. They never learned good table manners!

Q. What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
A. The letter “g”!

 

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dewey.
Dewey who?
Dewey have to wait long to eat?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Waddle.
Waddle who?
Waddle I do if you don’t open the door?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, I’m hungry!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gladys.
Gladys who?
Gladys Thanksgiving.  Aren’t you?

 

The History of Thanksgiving Day

     Harvest festivals and thanksgiving celebrations were held by the ancient Greeks, the Romans, the Hebrews, the Chinese, and the Egyptians.

In 1621, after a hard and devastating first year in the New Worldthe Pilgrim’s fall harvest was very successful and plentiful. There was corn, fruits, vegetables, along with fish which was packed in salt, and meat that was smoke cured over fires. They found they had enough food to put away for the winter.

The Pilgrims had beaten the odds. They built homes in the wilderness, they raised enough crops to keep them alive during the long coming winter, and they were at peace with their Indian neighbors. Their Governor, William Bradford, proclaimed a day of thanksgiving that was to be shared by all the colonists and the neighboring Native American Indians.

The custom of an annually celebrated thanksgiving, held after the harvest, continued through the years. During the American Revolution (late 1770’s) a day of national thanksgiving was suggested by the Continental Congress.

In 1863 President Abraham Lincoln appointed a national day of thanksgiving. Since then each president has issued a Thanksgiving Day proclamation, usually designating the fourth Thursday of each November as the holiday.  Thanksgiving in Canada is celebrated on the second Monday in October. Observance of the day began in 1879.

 

Have a happy Thanksgiving Day!!

Consumer alert – beware of financial gurus and financial advice authors

Consumer alert – most financial gurus and financial advice authors exaggerate the returns they can produce, don’t do well on their own portfolios, and many have declared bankruptcy and/or been fined by the SEC for fraud.  This includes famous names you have probably heard of.

Most of the following is from Eric Tyson’s book, Investing for Dummies…

• Charles Givens has recommended investing in limited partnerships, including one on which he was a major shareholder that declined to half it value. (Tyson says LP’s are a very poor investment).  Givens was endorsed by the Today show.  He also claimed that investors could expect to earn up to 30% with discounted mortgages.
• Elaine Garzarelli predicted the stock crash of 1987.  For the next 3 years her fund was the worst performing of all growth funds.  Her performance was so bad that the company she was working for fired her.  Now she hawks newsletters making false claims.
• Forbes and the San Francisco Chronicle did studies that determined that Suze Orman exaggerated the number of clients she has; and in some cases receives fees from companies that she recommends (a conflict of interest).
• Money magazine has recommended limited partnerships (Tyson says…a very poor investment).
• Many radio and TV programs, even nationwide ones will hire salespeople who are fishing for new customers, but have little useful and sometimes even wrong advice.  They get hired because they will do the shows cheap or for free.
• Bob Bunker has a radio talk show and advocates market timing.  His portfolio has not done as well as the overall market.
• Steven Leeb exaggerated returns his investors could get. He was charged by the SEC with false advertising.
• Followers of advice by newsletter editor Joe Granville have lost 99% of their investments.
• Wade Cook has claimed their folks following his methods could earn 20% per month (240% per year).   He made more than $100 million selling his books and seminars.  He advocated day trading and technical analysis (Tyson says these are bad stuff).  Cook sold securities without a license, declared bankruptcy, was fined by the SEC, and lied about claims of 300% per annum.
• The Beardstown ladies claimed exaggerated returns of 23%.  Actual returns proved to be 9%. Their publisher has successfully sued them for their false information.
• Mark Seo, author, claimed 34% returns, also false.
• The Motley Fools (David and Tom Gardner) have exaggerated claims and recommended short selling, which has not done well for them.  Hulbert Financial Digest does not rate their newsletter as one of the leading ones.
• Robert Kiyosaki, author of Rich Dad, Poor Dad, is biased against mutual funds and presents arguments that other competent folks have refuted to support his views.
• Seminars, promoters and authors are not regulated by the SEC.
• Types of investments that should be avoided and why…
• Variable annuities – they are taxed as ordinary income and have high fees.
• Real estate– not diversified and values are declining.
• Options – too risky.
• Whole life insurance – high commissions and sales charges.  Instead, buy term insurance and invest elsewhere.
• Limited partnership investments – high fees, poor performance.
• “Managed” mutual funds – 75% of mutual fund managers fail to beat the market, per Standard and Poors.
• Certified Financial Planners (CFPs):
• Can pick anyone to be a proctor at their exams.
• Can retake the exam and memorize the questions they missed.
• Can listen to or read most anything to meet the continuing education requirements.

 

Business savvy – words of wisdom

• The 3 day cooling off rule – only applies if the sale is away from the sellers regular place of business and the item cost over $25 and does not apply to real estate, insurance, securities or vehicles.
• You can dispute credit card purchases within 60 days of receiving the bill.
• Use regular gasoline.  The AAA says only 5% of cars sold in the USA require premium, but 20% of gas sold is premium.  Using premium when not required provides no benefit.
• Never give out any personal information to an unfamiliar person or organization that calls you on the phone or e-mails you.  Telephone caller ID numbers and names and e-mail and web addresses can be faked.
• Never buy anything from (or donate anything to) a telemarketer. Doing so only encourages the telemarketing industry.  Good deals from telemarketers are extremely rare.  Out right fraud is extremely common.  Never buy anything from (or donate anything to) a telemarketer. Doing so only encourages the telemarketing industry.  Good deals from telemarketers are extremely rare.  Out right fraud is extremely common. Sign up to be on the do-not-call list if you are not already (https://complaints.donotcall.gov).
• If you plan to use a rental car on a vacation, check with your credit card or car insurance company.  They may cover you for collision on rental cars, in which case you don’t need to buy it from the rental car company.
• Car dealerships now have persons on their staff who specialize in making offers to information you submit to them via the Internet.  Comparison shop for the best deal.  But also negotiate when you go to the dealer.  You can determine the FMV of new or used cars at KBB.com.  Use that info to negotiate. 
• If your flight is delayed or cancelled tell them you are aware of rule 240.  It says they have to put you on the next outbound flight, even if it is on another airline.
• For good hotel rates, call the hotel (not the 800 number) and ask someone in charge for the best rate they can give you.
• Shred things you throw away that have personal information on them
• Don’t send in warranty cards.  Your warranty is valid without doing so.  The cards are collected to put you on junk mailing lists.

How to improve the US economy

The 64 dollar question of today is how to get our depressed economy growing again. The president says job creation is the answer, and all the Republican candidates for president more or less agree. The only thing they disagree on is how to go about it. The president wants to create jobs through government spending to stimulate the economy, and then raise taxes to pay for it. The Republican candidates want to lower taxes and cut government spending in order to stimulate the economy, and thereby create jobs. The only problem is that neither of these approaches will work. The current recession is different from past recessions. This country has arrived at a unique place in its history. This recession, as well as our intractable unemployment problem, is the result of the long process of off-shoring our manufacturing base, and the economy will only continue to decline until we bring manufacturing back to this country. Manufacturing jobs are “wealth creating jobs.” Service jobs are not. Manufacturing has always been the foundation of our once thriving economy. Moving manufacturing jobs out of this country in search of cheaper labor has gradually undermined our economy. This fact has been masked over for years by federal borrowing, but now suddenly the bills have come due. Things will not improve until we can put the millions of unemployed back to work, and we can only do that by bringing manufacturing back into this country. But how do we do that? Simple! Impose a tariff on any product that we import which could be manufactured in this country. The tariff should be set at a level at which it would cost just as much to buy the imported item as it would cost to buy the item if it were made here. At a stroke, that would remove the incentive for corporations to off-shore their factories. Why isn’t anyone talking about this?

Note: the above is a letter submited by my Friend, Ben Bradberry to the Times Union newspaper.  I agree entirely with him.   If you also agree… tell your congressman.