It wouldn’t be the Halloween season without some of my famous Halloween humor. So here is my spook-tacular collection for 2012
A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a…….
BUMP…
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BUMP…
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BUMP… behind him.
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Walking faster he looks back, and makes
out the image of an upright coffin banging
its way down the middle of the street towards
him
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BUMP…
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BUMP…
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BUMP…
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Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home,
the coffin bouncing quickly behind him …
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faster…
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faster…
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BUMP…
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BUMP….
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BUMP….
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He runs up to his door, fumbles with his
keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and
locks the door behind him.
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However, the coffin crashes through his
door, with the lid of the coffin clapping …
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clappity-BUMP…
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clappity-BUMP…
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clappity-BUMP…
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clappity-BUMP…
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on the heels of the terrified man….
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Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man
locks himself in. His heart is pounding;
his head is reeling; his breath
is coming in sobbing gasps.
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With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down
the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.
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The man screams and reaches for something, anything
… but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
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Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at
the coffin…
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… the coffin stops. >>
Q: How does a witch tell time?
A: She looks at her witch watch.
Q: When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
A: When you’re a mouse.
Q: Why did the monster eat the caboose?
A: The locomotive told him to “Choo, choo.”
Q: What’s the best place for a mirror?
A: In a graveyard. It can double your mummy.
Q: What do ghosts eat for breakfast?
A: Ghost toasties with booberries and evaporated milk.
Q: What do ghosts eat for lunch?
A: Halloweenies and Frankenfurters.
Q: Why should you always invite a ghost to a Halloween party?
A: they bring their own boos.
Q: Why shouldn’t you goose a ghost at Halloween?
A: You might get sheet all over you.
Q: Why don’t Jehovah Witnesses like Halloween?
A: They don’t like all those strangers coming up on the porch and ringing their doorbells.
Q: What should you say when you meet a ghost?
A: “How do you boo?, Sir. How do you boo?”
Q: What’s soft, moldy and flies?
A: A spoiled bat.
Q: What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back?
A: “You’re under a vest!”
Q: What happened to the monster that took the five o’clock train home?
A: He had to give it back.
Q: Why did the monster salute his vegetable soup?
A: He looked in his bowl and saw a kernel of corn.
Q: What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A: A dead ringer.
Q: What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
A: I’d like to get to gnaw you.
Q: Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime?
A: “Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares.”
Q: Why don’t witches like to ride their brooms when they’re angry?
A: They’re afraid of flying off the handle!
Q: What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
A: Bone appetite!
Q: Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
A: Day-scare centers.
Q: Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
A: His ghoul friend.
Q: What monster flies his kite in a rainstorm?
A: Benjamin Frankenstein.
Q: What do ghosts serve for dessert?
A: Ice Scream.
Q: What’s a monster’s favorite play?
A: Romeo and Ghouliet.
Q: What do witches put on their hair?
A: Scare spray.
Q: What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A: Bamboo.
Q: What’s a haunted chicken?
A: A poultry-geist.
Q: Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
A: Because he wanted a light snack.
Q: Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles?
A: Have you ever tried to iron a monster?
Q: What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
A: Boo boos.
Q: Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife get to sleep?
A: Because of his coffin.
Q: Why do mummies make excellent spies?
A: They’re good at keeping things under wraps.
Q: What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine?
A: A wash and wear wolf.
Q: What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
A: Count Duckula.
Q: What do you call a person who puts poison in a person’s corn flakes?
A: A cereal killer.
Q: Why wasn’t there any food left after the monster party?
A: Because everyone was a goblin!
Q: What do the birds sing on Halloween?
A: Twick or Tweet.
Q: What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?
A: Tombstones.
Q: Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day?
A: It’s good for the bones.
Q: What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween?
A: White Pillowcases.
Q: Why did the witches’ team lose the baseball game?
A: Their bats flew away.
Q: What was the witch’s favorite subject in school?
A: Spelling.
Q: Why did the mummy call the doctor?
A: Because he was coffin.
Q: What does a vampire fear most?
A: Tooth decay.
Q: Where did the vampire open his savings account?
A: At a blood bank.
Q: Where do mummies go for a swim?
A: To the Dead Sea.
Q: What is Transylvania?
A: Dracula’s terror-tory.
Q: Where does Dracula water ski?
A: On Lake Erie.
Q: What kind of boat pulls Dracula when he water skis?
A: A blood vessel.
Q: What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o-lantern by its circumference?
A: Pumpkin Pi.
Q: Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn’t have the guts.
Q: What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost?
A: Don’t spook until your spooken to.
Q: What kind of protozoa likes Halloween?
A: An amoeboo!
Q: Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend!
Q: What happened to the guy who couldn’t keep up payments to his exorcist?
A: He was repossessed.
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Top Ten Reasons Why Trick Or Treating Is Better Than Sex
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10. You’re guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, you can wait ten minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look; the easier it is to get some.
7. You don’t have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. Its okay when the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else, because you ARE someone else.
5. 40 years from now, you’ll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don’t get what you want, you can always go next door.
3. It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
1. You can do the whole neighborhood!!
Check out these links for my Halloween greetings to you… (turn up your speakers):
http://www.link4u.com/mash.htm
http://www.link4u.com/mash2.htm
Some Halloween trivia: Did you know that November 1st was declared as “all saints day” in the 7th century to mark the end of the season of Pentecost (Pentecost is the period starting 50 days after the resurrection when fire rained down on the heads of the apostles in the upper room and they were filled with the holy spirit) –and- to consecrate the Pantheon in Rome as the Church of the Blessed Virgin and All Martyrs? The eve of all saints day was established as “all hallows day” and the name was later changed to Halloween.
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