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My Christmas cards to you!
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Santa’s jigsaw puzzle:
http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=ER13610552
The 12 days of Christmas:
http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=1017129949136
My Christmas cards to you:
http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=4265884112
http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=4267855318
Santa sings white Christmas (this one is my favorite):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ooc5eJc5SHA
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Christmas Jokes
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Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
A tour guide named Rudolph was giving a lady a tour of Moscow, when the weather turned foul. “Is this rain or sleet?,” the lady asked. “Definitely rain.” said the tour guide. “How do you know?” asked the lady. “Rudolph the Red knows rain dear.”
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the front desk manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?”, they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his hometown for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, “I’ll just have the eggs benedict..”
His order comes a while later, and it’s served on a big, shiny hubcap.
He asks the waiter, “What’s with the hubcap?”
The waiter sings, “There’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!”
Christmas Poetry updated
The way it’s told in Afghanistan:
‘Twas The Night Before Ramadan Twas the night before Ramadan As Osama, the louse Was plotting with Omar; His soon-to-be spouse. The Taliban were nestled, All snug in their caves And they dreamt of young virgins Who would soon be their slaves. Out in the desert, There arose such a clatter They crept from their caves To see what was the matter. Not far in the distance There came a strange sound. Lo and behold; They saw a mushroom-shaped cloud. Before Osama evaporated He knew it was true: His ass had been kicked By the Red, White, and Blue
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EIGHT DAYS AFTER CHRISTMAS… and after my true love and I had a fight
The first day after Christmas, my true love and I had a fight, So I chopped the pear tree down and burned it just for spite. Then, with a single cartridge, I shot that blasted partridge My true love gave to me. The second day after Christmas, I pulled on old rubber gloves And very gently wrung the necks of both those turtle doves My true love gave to me. The third day after Christmas, my mother caught the croup … I had to use the three French hens to make some chicken soup. The four calling birds were a big mistake for their language was obscene. The five gold rings were completely fake and turned my fingers green. The sixth day after Christmas, the laying geese wouldn’t lay, So I gave the whole darn gaggle to the ASPCA. On the seventh day what a mess I found … All seven of the swimming swans had drowned. The eighth day after Christmas, before they could suspect, I bundled up the eight maids-a-milking, nine pipers playing, Ten ladies dancing, eleven lords a-leaping, twelve dummers drumming, And sent them back … COLLECT. I wrote my true love, “We are through, love,” and I said in so many words, “Furthermore, your Christmas gifts were strictly for the birds!”.
DYSFUNCTIONAL CHRISTMAS SONGS
SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you hear what I hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Queens Disoriented Are DEMENTIA: I Think I’ll be Home for Christmas NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Offices and Towns and Cars and Trucks, and Trees…….. PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll Tell You Why DEPRESSION: Silent Anedonia, Holy Anedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock (start over at the beginning……) PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY On The First Day of Christmas, My True Love Sent to Me, a Partridge in a Pear Tree, and Then He Took it Back BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of You Roasting on an Open Fire
IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. There are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total – 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second. A conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that “flying reindeer” (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload – not even counting the weight of the sleigh – to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison – this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance – this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per second, each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces
17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion –
If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.
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Christmas Riddles:
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Q: Why did Santa want garden tools for Christmas?
A: So he could hoe, hoe, hoe all year long.
Q: What’s a holiday for toothpaste?
A: “Crest” mas!
Q: What language does Santa speak?
A: North Polish!
Q: What is the Christmas message in these letters:
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ?
A: No “L.”
Q: Why is Santa Claus always so jolly around Christmas time?
A: Because he knows which girls have been naughty and which have been nice.
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Favorite Christmas Carols
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Q: What is Richard Nixon’s favorite Christmas carol?
A: “It came upon a midnight perfectly clear.”
Q: What is the favorite Christmas carol of those who have delusions of grandeur?
A: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me.
Q: What is the maniac’s favorite Christmas carol?
A: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and…
Q: What is the favorite Christmas carol of people who are paranoid?
A: Santa Claus is coming to get me.
Q: What is the favorite Christmas carol of persons suffering from infantile personality disorders?
A: You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll Tell You Why.
Q: What is the sociopath’s favorite Christmas carol?
A: Thoughts of Roasting You on an Open Fire…
Q: What is the favorite Christmas carol of people suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorders?
A: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock…………
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QUIZ: CHRISTMAS CAROLS RE-WORDED
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For example: “We three kings of orient are.”
Could be worded:
“A triad of reigning monarchs exist in the Far East.”
We’ll provide the lesser-known version.
You provide the well-known version.
Some titles may be repeated
Answers at the end J
- Nearly colorless Yuletide.
- Castanea seed vesicated in a conflagration.
- My singular yearning is for twin anterior incisors.
- Righteous darkness.
- Arrival time: 24:00 hours, weather conditions: cloudless.
- Loyal followers advance.
- Far off in a stable.
- Array the corridors.
- Lilliputian male percussionist.
- Our monarchical triad.
- Nocturnal noiselessness.
- Jehovah deactivate jovial Chevaliers.
- A red man is en route to the city.
- Allow frozen precipitation to commence.
- Proceed and verbalize on the tall hill.
- Antlered quadruped valentino namesake with the vermilion proboscis.
- Query, regarding the identity of that juvenile.
- Delight for this planet.
- Give attention to the melodious celestial beings.
- A Yuletide extending for a dozen 24 hour intervals.
- Jocund elderly canonized individual lacking five cent pieces.
- Expect my arrival at my domicile for Yuletide.
- Vibrate those cup-shaped metal instruments.
- Perambulating in a terrain of stupefaction from 12/21 to 3/19.
- Oh diminutive hamlet of Israel south of Jerusalem.
- Hallucinating about an ivory Yuletide in the first person narrative.
- Metallic element AG cup-shaped musical instruments.
- Oh Yuletide tall woody plant.
- I witnessed a maternal parent osculating a bewhiskered male in a red ensemble.
- Female ancestor experienced collision with rangifer tarandus.
- Boreal ice crystal homo sapien.
- To this place advances the personification of the spirit of Christmas.
- The primary Yuletide.
- Who ís the mystery kid?
- The event occurred at one minute after 11:59 p.m. with visibility unlimited.
- Ornament the enclosure with large sprigs of berry-bearing evergreen.
- The diminutive male of less than adult age who plays a percussion instrument.
- My anticipation of mementos this noelís: nil.
- I viewed my maternal parent’s affection for Kris Kringle.
- Listen, heavenly cherubs are announcing in song.
- Are you detecting the same aural sensations as I am?
- Universal elation.
- O miniature Nazarene village.
- The approach of the holiday commemorating the birth of Christ is becoming evident.
- May Jehovah grant unto you hilarious males retirement.
- Those of you who are true, come here.
Answers below, but don’t cheat!
Answers:
- White Christmas.
- Chestnuts roasting of an open fire.
- All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth.
- Holy night.
- It came upon a midnight clear.
- Oh come all ye faithful.
- Away in a manger.
- Deck the halls.
- Little drummer boy.
- We three kings.
- Silent night.
- God rest ye merry gentleman.
- Santa Claus is coming to town.
- Let it snow.
- Go tell it on the mountain.
- Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer.
- What child is this?
- Joy to the world.
- Hark the herald angels sing.
- 12 days of Christmas.
- Jolly old Saint Nicholas.
- I’ll be home for Christmas.
- Jingle bells.
- Walking in a winter wonderland.
- Oh little town of Bethlehem.
- I’m dreaming of a white Christmas.
- Silver bells.
- Oh Christmas tree.
- I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus.
- Grandma got run over by a reindeer.
- Frosty the snowman.
- Here comes Santa Claus.
- The first noel.
- What child is this?
- It came upon the midnight clear.
- Deck the halls with boughs of holly.
- Little drummer boy.
- I’m getting nothin’ for Christmas.
- I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus.
- Hark the herald angels sing.
- Do you hear what I hear?
- Joy to the world.
- O little town of Bethlehem.
- It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.
- God rest ye merry gentlemen.
- O come all ye faithful.
Seasons delights.
Here are some ideas for the Holidays that are based on my own experiences that I think you will enjoy:
My favorite places to dine out:
- Osteen’s Seafood Restaurant in Augustine – cross over the Bridge of Lions, then go about a half mile further, it’s on the right side of the road. Order the fried shrimp!! It’s the best fried shrimp on the planet earth! The sides are especially good, too. Expect long waits at peak periods at this popular, but small local gem. Please note that they are closed on Sundays and Mondays and the first week of December and that they accept cash only. Bonus: If going in the evening in December the downtown area will be lit up bright with Christmas lights.
- Enza’s Italian Restaurant in the Mandarin Landing Shopping Center. Order the Chicken Francece!
- Be adventurous and try Thai and/or Indian cuisine. We like Lemongrass on Southside Blvd at Baymeadows Rd the red chicken curry) and the Indian Cuisine Restaurant on Baymeadows Rd near Southside Blvd. (order the chicken korma).
If you have the time and funds to go to Epcot during the holidays, they put on a fabulous outdoor Christmas musical show in front of the American Adventure Pavilion, in the back of the park. Holywood Studios (formerly MGM Studios) puts on a lighted street scene that is spectacular.
During the Christmas season they light up the historical area of St. Augustine with Christmas lights. It’s a lovely sight to see if you have never done so, especially the area around the Plaza de la Constitution (central park area).
If you agree with me that 90% of TV is junk for idiots, get a TIVO for Christmas. It costs about $100 at Circuit City or Best Buy, plus $7 per month for the programming. It will make it much easier than a VCR to pick and choose just what you want and to skip through the commercials. I never watch anything on TV except programs prerecorded on my TIVO. You won’t either after you have gotten a TIVO.
If you are looking for the perfect inexpensive gift for that hard-to-buy-for person who already has everything… you can’t go wrong with a copy of my book, Jokes, Riddles and Wisdom, the Best Collection Ever. Imagine how impressed your gift recipient will be when you tell him or her that you have met the author live and in person. Go to www.bn.com or www.amazon.com and stock up on a supply for Christmas giving. Everything in the book is in good taste, so it is suitable for people of any age. The wisdom section of the book provides personal advice from me on a number of thing, such as how to be successful – I was able to retire at age 50- the book tells how I did it. Ok, Ok, so it’s too late to have it shipped to you in time for Christmas. Either pick up a copy from me (no sales tax or shipping costs), or deliver it after Christmas—better late than never. For more details and to order the book, go to: www.humorandwisdom.com.
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Posted by Roger Kuder 
Roger Kuder's Blog 